THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO VOTE REPUBLICAN IN 2004
1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
6a) More guns, more wars, more bombs and a bigger military budget makes us all more secure.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to arrogantly insult and belittle
our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart, and Bill Frist’s family owned Hospital Corporation of America
demonstrates ethical and moral character of the highest order!
11. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy and represents a proper tough-guy image.
13. Oil and Coal lobbyists have the health and wellness of human beings
and our environment at the top of their priority list and, of course, deserve
to dictate public energy policy to Dick Cheney – what they tell him is none of
your business.
14. Executive Privilege is an appropriate strategy to keep
the lies of our President secret.
15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet,
while eavesdropping on private citizen’s email correspondence.
16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
17. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime unless you're a
conservative talk-show host, in which case it's an illness and you need
our prayers for your recovery.
18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states which local voter initiatives they have the right to
adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the 1970’s and '80s is irrelevant.
20. Paul Wellstone suffered a terrible “accident” that simply tipped the Senate
to the rightful Republican majority. An investigation of foul play would be a scandalous
waste of tax payer money.
21. You believe Katherine Harris is a National Hero because she had the courage to
do “whatever it took” to ignore blatant conflict of interests and “clean up” ineligible
voter lists – something long overdue in Florida.
22. It is more important to be a good consumer and “go shopping” instead of being an
informed and engaged citizen.
23. Blind Faith is more important than intelligent discernment.
24. Compassionate Conservative and the Blue Sky initiative are the greatest
advertising slogans ever conceived of and paid for on Madison Avenue.
25. High Crimes and Misdemeanors only apply to the lowest of enlisted folk.
26. Arrogance, hatred, intolerance and lying are family values.
27. We live in a dangerous world and it is in our best interest to
perpetuate fear and loathing toward our neighbors and anyone who isn’t
exactly like us.
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Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other
people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more years.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS VOTE for THIS REPUBLICAN administration!
#2
How many Republicans are needed to replace a light bulb?
The answer is SEVEN:
* One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced,
* One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions
about the light bulb,
* One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light
bulb,
* One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret
stockpile of light bulbs,
* One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to
pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb,
* One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light
bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
* And finally, One to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a
light bulb and screwing the country.
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